I Think I Just Saved Myself
Do you have any moments in life, where you're in a room, an empty space, or sitting in front of a landscape with complete solitude? You enjoy the scene both what your vision witnesses and what your brain trying to see. Then thoughts come in. Will drift you in the vast of nothingness and worry. You won't have any second to ask yourself why you're thinking such things. You just have to digest it.
First of all, I want to thank my cat. When I was in the room where the darkness comes in, Mysti, my cat just literally meowed at me as if she was telling me I wasn't alone. Tears poured in and damn I'm smiling yey I'm crying. Again?
In order, here are the things that I was thinking about at that time. My funeral, when will I die, will I graduate before it, why do my Mom always mad at me, will she cry if I hang myself, maybe I just need to run, oh no it's raining I might get hit by thunder I will die dumb. whta rope should I use, do clothes will do?, oh I think I could be a good basketball player. oh nvm. I am missing my brother.
Maybe I just need to call a friend. Oh, I don't have one. I might have many acquaintances or colleagues, but not a single friend with whom I can share my personal problems. That's why keep a journal, keep it to myself and later I learned to submit it to God.
Minutes passed, darkness seems to fade and I'm seeing the brighter side. Did I just make myself emotionally stronger? Did I just save myself? I think my cat is my angel. For that time i felt proud of myself. Because if there is an available rope at that time I might really hang myself hahahha.
God uses me to save myself. And I want to be the person I wish that I have when I was struggling. I want to be that person to my brother.
To my brother Arnel,
I am not perfect. And will never be. You are one of the reasons why I am still living right now. Minsan makulit si kuya, nakakainis o madalas maikli ang pasensya. But please alwasy allow me na maging kuya para sayo. If ever theres a chance, na may problema ka. Mula sa pinkamaliit hanggang sa pinakakumplikado. Sabihin mo lang sa akin, leave a call, a message or vm. And if one day, you encounter the same thing. Just remember na nandito kami para sa iyo. Lalo na si Kuya. Dadalhin kita sa Tagalag pag iyak na iyak kana. Palagi ka ring mag pray, hindi ka Niya bibiguin. Ang kahit anong problema o pagsubok palaging nandiyan yan para pabagsakin ka gahit gaaono ka pa kalakas, ang lahat ay tungkol sa kung paano ka babangon at magpapatuloy. Miss you. Love you. Fighting! -Kuya RJ
